For the past few weeks, I’ve been battling a nasty sinus infection/cold/cough. It hit me right in the middle of my parents’ visit to my new apartment over Thanksgiving and lingered through the first few days of December.
Getting sick is all around miserable (as I’m sure you know.) All I wanted to do was sleep but my dog and congestion had other ideas. I was in a grumbly mood about spending too much money on tissue boxes and cough drops and annoyed at myself for coughing through my little brother’s birthday dinner. I wasn’t getting better fast enough and that just made me more disgruntled.
Anxiety pushes many of us to keep our guard up at all times. It makes trusting others and ourselves difficult. It convinces us to believe and listen to our fears instead of confronting them.
Without any sort of treatment, anxiety can make you feel like a prisoner to your own thoughts.
I’ve been there. My anxiety reached an all-time high during my college years and was the absolute worst during my senior year in 2015. Everyone thought I was thriving because I was losing weight, meanwhile I couldn’t go one day without panicking about class, friendships, my identity, my body, or whatever else made my heart race. It was a painful existence.
Shortly after graduation, my circle convinced me to find my first therapist. Once I began to trust my therapist, I began to talk about my true thoughts, fears, and feelings to her. This is when I learned that one of the most effective ways to confront anxiety is by opening up about it. I began to be more vulnerable with my close friends and family as a result. My life drastically improved thanks to the lessons I gained in therapy.
Flash forward to mid-March 2018 when my relationship with my ex-fiancee ended and my wedding was cancelled. Engagement life had been pretty good, so the trauma of this event blindsided me and hit hard. I had never experienced this kind of heartbreak before.
I was particularly devastated when my ex posted a too-casual status on Facebook about the ordeal, announcing our break-up publicly without my consent. Many of my friends and family members found out by reading the status, and some of them reached out to me with screenshots attached. It was extremely upsetting. My power was taken away from me and it felt like there wasn’t much I could do.
Having to do the post-break-up social media clean-up (untagging photos, new profile pictures, relationship status adjustment) was expected, but I had no intention of writing anything about it on a public forum. I desperately wanted my pain to be private, but my ex made that impossible once the status was posted.
Anxiety quickly overtook my sadness: What would people think of me based on that status? What did this failed engagement say about me? The sense of control I had thought I had achieved in my life was gone and anxiety took its’ place.
After wracking my brain for a while and talking about it with my closest friends, I decided to post my own status and take my power back. My voice deserved to be in the mix, and it wouldn’t be unless I myself spoke up. I wrote with true vulnerability behind my words, and my status was honest and raw.
Once it was posted, I felt relieved to have my feelings out in the open. I wasn’t hiding. I was very-much still in the throes of heartbreak (and I honestly will be for some time) but writing candidly about it made it feel less shameful. Those who hadn’t seen the other status flooded my comments with words of support, and that helped too. I flew to Paris a few days later and tried to walk with my head held high.
Since then, I’ve strived to be more vulnerable on a regular basis as a way to cope with the anxiety this break-up reignited in me. I’ve also aimed to expand the range of my vulnerability. My first round of therapy helped me open up to close friends and some family, but that was pretty much the extent of my openness. Now I’m trying to be even more vulnerable on both a private and public level. A few recent examples:
Talking to a stranger in Paris about the break-up a week after it happened
Working through a panic attack with my parents present and making a plan together
Speaking to other LGBTQ+ folks at queer events about identity and dating struggles
Opening up about body-shaming in the past (see Instagram post below)
Admitting fitness fears to my personal trainer and then conquering them together
Starting and maintaining this blog
Each act of vulnerability has helped me feel less anxious in general. Speaking about what scares me helps me accept each fear a little more. This in turn gives the anxiety less power. I am better able to recognize that an anxious thought popping into my head is usually a distortion: Just because I think it doesn’t mean it is true or that I have to be dictated by it.
Unlocking the door and throwing away the key is ultimately bringing me more peace because I have no secrets to burden me. The pressure to be perfect is slowly but surely disappearing. Fear used to impact my decisions, but now love and kindness act as my primary guides.
I’m sure some people disagree with being as vulnerable as I have been as of late, but most of my circle has expressed positive feedback. I typically find that anyone listening is sympathetic rather than judgmental. The judgement I’m afraid of tends to be a product of my own imagination. We are all in our own heads all the time and are often too busy worrying about ourselves to judge others.
Many people have told me they relate to what I’m feeling, and that helps normalize my feelings and mental health issues in general. It’s essential to remember that we are all fighting our own battles regardless of if we are sharing our battles with others. Choosing to be open about these battles can and will help others.
Does the notion of opening up terrify you? Consider trying therapy first, as it is a way to receive an unbiased response.
If you want to be more vulnerable with your inner circle, start with something small, something with low stakes so you won’t be too intimidated. Maybe tell an embarrassing story to a friend or let yourself cry in front of someone you trust.
Being vulnerable about your anxiety won’t cure it, but doing so can certainly lift some weight of your shoulders. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings, and sharing them with the world proves you are courageous and strong. I look forward to continuing to live with an open heart and spirit, and I hope doing so will help others as well.
Moments like spilling feelings to a crush, coming out to my parents, and revealing hard news to a friend all occurred in moving vehicles. I bet you’ve had some heart-to-hearts on the road too.
Some of the more serious conversations of my life have happened in cars. Just this morning a friend asked if he could pick me up and go on a drive to talk through some problems. I obliged, and he shared his feelings as we cruised down the highway.
What about driving puts people at ease to talk freely? I have a few thoughts on the matter.
A Sense of Intimacy
Cars present an interesting environment. You’re totally in public while you’re out on the road, yet being in a car is also a very private experience. The riders are alone and close together in a small space, and there’s no easy or safe exit while driving. Essentially, you’re locked in a moving box with windows.
Wording it that way sounds a little creepy, but the sense of closeness cars create are perfect for hard conversations. Talks can be kept totally private with closed windows. Furthermore, certain forms of physical contact, like hand-holding, come naturally in close quarters. Intimacy encourages openness.
No Eye Contact Necessary
The eyes may be the window to the soul, but eye contact can be pretty uncomfortable for some. If long periods of eye contact make you anxious, consider having your next heart to heart in a car, where eye contact is generally discouraged. If you want to make as little eye contact as possible, be the driver.
Eye contact doesn’t make me nervous, but it’s pretty likely that I will cry if I make eye contact for a while during a tough conversation. I always let myself cry if I feel like it, but sometimes I simply don’t want to cry. If I’m having an argument or want to express anger, crying (the sniveling kind, in particular) can inhibit me from getting my point across.
Parents can talk to their kids without the slam of the bedroom door. Singles on a date can reveal their feelings without the interruption of a waiter. Talking in the car makes it easier to stick to the topic at hand.
There are fewer distractions inside of a car than other private areas. This is likely because of how small the space in a vehicle is compared to, say, a living space. There’s so much to do in a house (cleaning, cooking, watching television), while all you can do in a car is sit and listen to the radio. Of course drivers need to primarily focus on the road, but most can still easily converse while steering the wheel.
Give It a Spin
Do you want to open up to somebody about an issue but are afraid to do so? Try bringing up your feelings on the road. It just might be the perfect setting for you express yourself.
Have you ever had a deep conversation during a car ride? Share you experience in the comments.